When someone you know is behaving poorly
or distancing themselves from you, you feel upset.
What you may not realize is that you’re upset not so much because of their behavior,
but for a reason much deeper than that.
You feel bothered by it because you feel like
you aren’t connecting with them.
Because as a human being, that is at the heart of what you do.
And when another person is straying away, you feel a jolt of pain that comes from
not connecting with them in ways you are naturally gifted to do.
and it bothers you because deep down,
you know you have the ability to connect with anyone.
And the truth is, you do.
It’s just that there will be times when it feels harder, and there will be people
where it just seems to takes so much more effort.
There are some people (this may include you)
whose trust has been broken so many times
– often times, by someone close to them…
More specifically, that breaking of trust has likely come from someone
who was ‘supposed’ to care for and look after that person.
Those supposedly caring people have failed that task over and over
to the point where the person in front of you now has a filter through which they look at most people.
The only way that person can break free from that filter
and trust someone is for there to be a track record of
The most effective way to build that trust is to build a
track record of ‘connection without correction’.
There is one particular strategy that consists of only TWO WORDS
that will instantly create a feeling of connection, and the bonding hormones that go with it.
Once that happens, that person will start to associate YOU
with a dose of those feel good hormones, and will slowly start
to build a new pathway to relate to you that is different than the other ‘untrusted’ people in his or her life.
Before we get to the two-word strategy, the most important thing to remember is that:
if someone is ‘acting out’,
it means they are in pain and they are afraid.
Yes, people need to be respectful
– but if their own existence has been ‘disrespected’ by the people in their life,
they lose the ability to see what that looks like.
And when they are in a constant state of
fear, stress and unsettled emotions
they WILL bring that to your relationship
… and it WILL show up as
- fight (aggression),
- flight (excuses, blame, absences) or
- freeze (not caring, aloofness, resignation).
These are primal responses to primal fears of existence.
These stem from the home and the community, often from earlier in childhood.
The only way to calm this negative behavior is to
give that person ‘a dose of bonding hormones’.
The next time a student, child, parent, spouse, co-worker, etc. acts out…
INSTEAD of getting immediately defensive and angry
(which is your own primal fight, flight, freeze reaction)…
Think to yourself, “me too. I’ve been there before.”
Admit to yourself that there’ve been times
where you’ve had similar feelings
– maybe you expressed them differently, but the feelings were there.
Maybe you’ve even repressed some of those feelings to the point where you hardly recognize them,
but if you truly allow your heart to open in that moment,
you’ll see that at some point, you’ve felt that thing that person is feeling.
And once you recognize that, you can say something
that resonates with that person.
Resonance means – a similar vibration. You can get to a similar vibration to that person.
That means they’ll actually hear you. And they’ll feel understood.
Oh, what a glorious feeling.. to feel understood.
Give that feeling to someone and you have given them
a gift that can change their life.
And as you give this gift to someone, make sure you boost your own oxytocin.
Try it out and see how it feels. Let me know what happens. (in the comment boxes below).