Any time I’ve ever had feelings of struggle in my relationships,
it was because I was putting so much pressure on the state of the relationship
to feel a sense of self-worth.
I believed that “in order to feel happy, I need to be in a happy relationship”.
This meant that I was putting my entire sense of well-being and value
on something that I can’t control: another person.
Because I couldn’t control the ups and downs of another person’s constantly shifting moods and feelings,
I started feeling really out of control over my ‘access’ to love.
This kept me in a state of fear and insecurity.
If you’re feeling tension and struggle in any of your relationships,
it’s likely that you’re putting a lot of pressure on how you think
the relationship and that person ‘should be’.
Because they’re human and will have their own moods and issues and stories from the past,
you’ll be on a constant roller coaster. You’ll start to believe that love is something conditional.
You’ll feel ‘pinched off’ from love when they’re in a bad mood.
You’ll feel ‘connected to love’ when they’re in a good mood.
And you’ll now be on the ‘hunt’ for something that feels out of your control.
This will keep you in a constant state of fear.
Fear prevents you from accessing your ‘higher mind’
Fear also creates ‘signals’ like:
- higher blood pressure,
- certain smells from your sweat glands,
- electric activity from your skin, and
- changes in your vocal chords and breathing)
that may repel other people from you, and/or trigger fear and anxiety in a person who is in your presence.
So what can you do?
The fastest, easiest way to feel instant improvements in all of your relationships is to
Make higher levels of oxytocin your ‘new normal’
Love and connection increase our levels of oxytocin – the bonding hormone.
We can increase it by doing any of the following ***without expecting anything in return***:
- making warm and friendly eye contact with someone
- looking lovingly at someone (without them knowing) or a picture of someone we care about
- saying a kind word to someone
- giving a gift (a smile, a handshake, a compliment, or an actual present) * again, without expecting anything in return*
- nurturing ourselves (with a bath, time to read a favorite book, listen to music, take a walk)
- seeing the good in someone
- touch (handshake, high five, hugs, petting an animal)
- going out and looking at nature, feeling a sense of wonder and appreciation for beauty
Stop missing out on the thousands of opportunities
you have each day to build up oxytocin
– feelings of love and appreciation
What that means is –
- when you smile at a stranger
- when you lend a listening ear to someone,
- When you give to someone
it builds up loving feelings within you – this builds up oxytocin.
You don’t just increase your sense of love from from being nurturED.
You also get it from nurturING someone or something else.
When we decide that only a SELECT few people will receive our loving smiles, our kind gestures,
we are neglecting the many other people and opportunities that exist to build up our feel-good hormones.
Become aware of all those moments where you can share a
a kind word
with someone who is not part of your select, exclusive group of recipients of your love.
Because now you have taken the weight off those select few people
to be the sole providers of love and bonding and oxytocin.
because they may not always be in a state where they can give it to you.
Now you’ve built it up within yourself –
Now you have enough of your own sources of healing that you can use to heal your relationship
- When you pay for your coffee or groceries – make eye contact with the cashier,
- Take one moment longer to say thank you, have a great day, what a great smile.
- When you pass a stranger, take one moment to smile, and look at them in a way that could brighten their day.
Watch how wonderful you feel when you do get a smile back.
And allow yourself to feel good even if they don’t smile back
– knowing that you had enough to give, with no strings attached.
Take the pressure off the select few in your life –
fill up your own tank first so you can bring that into your relationships.